Updated: May 9, 2020
Do you know people who date unavailable people and whine and complain the entire time? Miserable humans who love to look outside of themselves for their own peace and happiness? Well I know at least one of these people, because I was one of them.
I was always complaining about what I wanted out of a relationship (or job) and what I wasn't getting. I griped and went on hour long rants about my situations, even though I had made the decision to be with this unavailable person. I chose this so I didn’t have to face the fact that I wasn't ready for an intimate relationship and that I wasn't ready for the responsibility that comes with commitment. I made this decision because I most certainly was not ready or willing to provide things for myself. I instead would rather have sought someone or something else to provide those things for me (a guaranteed fail). I was in a never ending loop of victim mentality and blame, and I had no sense of accountability. I actively ignored the fact that I had choices.
Well this is the same scenario when you set unavailable goals.
Unavailable Goals: goals you set to avoid your reality; goals that don't line up with your current actions and habits; goals that come with responsibilities and commitments that you are not ready for
Let's say you are making 40K a year and want to make millions within the next few years. You may be avoiding and not be acknowledging things like:
Your recurring financial commitments (mortgage or rent, debt, loans, groceries, the needs and obligations)
Your poor spending habits
The fact that your daily habits equal a 40k a year job if you're being generous and not a six figure one
Or you want to lose 100lbs in the next 90 days. You may be avoiding and not be acknowledging things like:
Your current eating habits and food addictions
Your depression and mental health
Your lack of a tribe and support system
When we set these outlandish goals we are telling ourselves, “if I could be a millionaire, all my problems will be solved”. “If I lost 100lbs all my problems would be solved.”
Go ahead and try it:
If I was, or if I had (fill in the blank here), all of my problems would be solved.
lie to me, lie to me, lie to me so sweet....
We are all about wishing and hoping for this ideal that we are nowhere near realizing because deep down we know, that at this point and time, we are not doing what it takes to have that amazing, intimate relationship, that healthy body or healthy bank account. And all because we don’t want to face ourselves and address what is currently going on. It is much easier to dream than face reality.
Think about it. These goals are not yet available to us because we have not yet done the work to even get to the next plausible step toward this “dream goal”. We are avoiding the simple, achievable steps because we know that goals that look like:
Reduce my debt by X percent or,
Stop adding to my debt or,
Stop eating out
will not only be be challenging to do but they will also NOT result in any overnight success or magical transformation. They are just a start, and with no instant gratification in sight, is it even worth it?
Yes. Yes it is worth it because guess what? The years will pass anyway, and you can either start your journey on the path to success by setting a goal closer to where you are currently at and tackling that goal one day at a time, or you can choose to continue to be involved with that unavailable goal, only to be in a worse place than where you started from, feeling stressed, heartbroken and powerless.
The road is long and technically there is no applause and no trophy for reaching these goals…unless you change your perspective.
Stop counting the pounds and dollars, and start focusing on the wins that come with the process.
Focus on your wins. Focus on how you are now taking control of your finances with a budget and you are no longer adding to your debt. Maybe you are replacing a meal out with a healthier meal in and you've found new friends that keep you honest and inspired in a local run club. Maybe you are combatting your depression with a therapist and are in a much better mental space. Maybe you want to grow your business and can now afford a part time assistant and have been focusing on the things that can really help scale your business.
Give your own self some damn applause.